Why Worry?

WHY WORRY?
Because parenting is such a responsibility, worry just comes with the territory of raising a child. "What if I make the wrong decision?" wonders the parent. The answer is: parents make a lot of "wrong" decisions and most children come out all right. Parenting is about making a full faith effort, making mistakes in the process, learning as you grow,and not striving to achieve perfection, which does more harm than good. Think about it. The only way to be a perfect parent is to have a perfect child, and who wants to subject a child to the pressures of living up to that?

WHAT IS WORRY?
Worry is ignorance plus anxious questions plus fearful answers. Worry begins in ignorance: "I don't know why my child isn't home by the time we agreed upon." It is made threatening by asking an anxious question: "What if my child has gotten into trouble?" Jumping to a fearful answer or conclusion completes the worry: "My child has probably been in a terrible accident!"

"I don't know" + "What if?" + "Just suppose" = one formula for worry.

To keep worry down, it helps to accept ignorance or take action to reduce it. "As a parent, there will always be infinitely more I don't know (or control) about my child and my child's life than I can ever know; but when I have a need to know that can be satisfied, I will check it out." To keep worry down, it helps to refrain from asking anxious questions. "As a parent, it is easy to wonder for the worst when I don't know; but I can refuse to scare myself on behalf of my child by refusing to create fearful possibilities to consider." To keep worry down, it helps to avoid giving fearful answers to anxious questions. "As a parent, believing I should know enough to protect my child, it is easy to rely on my imagination to reply to questions when there is no other data on which to rely; but I can choose to let those questions go unanswered."

WHAT NOT TO WORRY ABOUT.
Don't worry about what you can't control: "What if my child should catch a fatal disease?" Let go what you can't control and save your energy to invest in doing what you can. Don't equate worrying with caring: "Well, if I didn't love you, I wouldn't worry about you so!" Driving yourself crazy with worry on behalf of your child is not an act of love, it is an act of fear. Don't invest worry with magical powers: "If I just worry hard enough about you, you'll be safe." Worry for its own sake provides no real protection.

HOW NOT TO WORRY.
To make worry worst of all, a parent can CHAIN WORRY by adding one "What if?" question to another until a mild set back now predicts dire consequences that doom the child's life later on. For example, a child's failure on a single test leads to parental worry about a failed class, leads to parental worry about failing other classes, leads to parental worry about failing to graduate high school, leads to parental worry about being employable, leads to parental worry about the incapacity for self-support, leads to a vision of the future with the child reduced to living on the street.

The lesson is: keep worries as close to the present as possible, and no further than the near future.

A PRODUCTIVE USE OF WORRY.
Where parental worry comes in handy is in helping children learn to think ahead, anticipate possible problems,and prepare contingency plans should those problems arise. Young and adolescent children are often focussed on getting what is wanted NOW: "I just want to be allowed to go to the mall and hang out with my friends." It is at this point that the conscientious parent begins to ask worry questions. "What if you get separated from your friends, what will you do?" To the impatient child, who anticipates only pleasure, this introduction of possible problems just gets in the way. "Oh stop worrying, nothing bad is going to happen to me, just let me go!" But the parent is steadfast:"If you want me to consider giving you new freedoms, then you have to be willing to think through with me what risks you will be taking and how you will cope if those possibilities actually arise."

Even though worry can feel bad, it isn't all bad. Even though it can be unrealistic, it can also be realistic. In fact, constructively used, parental worry can help train a child to think ahead, so in that sense worry can do a lot of good.

A HELPFUL BOOK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS
By well-published author/psychologist Carl Pickhardt Ph.D. www.carlpickhardt.com

ROMANSWERS - Practical answers to common questions troubling relationships, romance, and marriage. (197 pages)

Offering insights into over one hundred questions about significant relationships, ROMANSWERS provides instruction for understanding and managing such common concerns as abuse, affairs, attraction, breaking up, change, cheating, commitment, communication, conflict, counseling, dating, diversity, divorce, family, intimacy, jealousy, love, marriage, mutuality, recovery, remarriage, responsibility, romance, separation, sex, shyness, and unavailability.

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